Life as I know it

Dear Mia, In 4 days time  you will turn 12 and I as your mother am in total denial. The last few days I find myself looking at you and wishing I could freeze time and keep you 11. Its the age before you hit the full blown teenage phase and I get to keep you small and cuddly for a while longer. I know you think I am mad because you keep saying to me 'Mam I have to grow up I am gonna be 12 I cant wait!' and every time you say it I squeeze you that bit tighter and kiss you ten times over and say 'no no no I want you as my baby forever!' You laugh and nudge me away and again call me mad but always say 'I wove you mam' with that infectious smile you have and I wonder how much longer you will say that to me. See that's the thing about you turning 12 Mia you are well on your way to being a teenager now and not the little girl I still see in my eyes. 'Wove you' has been our words to each other since time you could talk. You say it to me at least ten times

as a mother I am always wondering am I good enough, Am I doing a good enough job. I climb into bed every night and I always turn  to my husband and say "I feel bad for saying so and so to Mia, Ava and Jack today and I'll try again tomorro". That mindset has always been there. He says I always pick out the negative thing I did and I could have done lots of positive things that day.  Nearly 12 years ago I became a mother and not one of those days have I ever been "mother guilt free". That guilt is there constantly. The constant self doubt I give myself on whether I'm good enough or up to the challenge. It's the most difficult  job. My friends and I always say its  so tough. And yet so rewarding. Not one of those days have I not felt that overwhelming love for my kids for even the slightest thing they may done like just coming over and hugging me with out me asking. That Tiny show of affection melts any mothers heart because really it's simple. My kid

Ava Finn bounced into our world as a leap year baby in 2008. She was the smallest baby I had ever seen weighing only 5lbs 6 oz and was 10 days overdue! She was like a doll. Perfect. Mia was 3 and was being assessed for autism when Ava arrived. We also just bought our first house and had got the keys the day before Ava came. We were 22. Talk about pressure! All our friends were still out partying and working and we were on to baby no 2 and a mortgage!. Ava was a dream baby she slept all night from 6 weeks of age, she never cried, she was such a happy baby always smiling and Mia adored her. I found it tough with two children. It was hard going especially when you have one child with special needs. Daniel could literally only take two days off as he was so busy I'll never forget how tough it was and yet he would  come in and do every night feed, nappies, everything he could. We used to joke that Ava was so laid back that when you walked into a room Ava would not notice you  were there

When I was younger my dad always told me I was going to be a writer. I loved to write. I used to write him and my mum letters and stories.  Each time no matter what I had written whether it be good or bad he would say 'Your gonna be a writer!'.  So that was my plan. A writer who would travel the world. Kids were not on my agenda at all. My dad was a great man for giving me life lessons even from a  young age. We used to take walks together and I treasured that time together. Dad used to say 'Life is what happens as your making plans'. It was May 2003  and I was loving my teenage life, no responsibilities, out with friends constantly partying and planning to start college in September. My mum and dad were teenage sweethearts. We always looked up to them and I always wanted to marry someone like my dad in some ways. He adored my mother and she him. They had given us the happiest of childhoods and  shown us what unconditional love was. It was their time now for themselves.

Ever since Jack was diagnosed with Autism we have put everything we have into helping him. When he was diagnosed we did just as we did  with Mia and Ava we cried, felt sorry for ourselves for a whole 24 hours and then got on with getting him the help he needed.  We could not go in to denial Jack had to come first. My first priority for Jack was to get him speaking and into an autism unit pre school because I knew that way he would get all the early intervention straight away instead of sitting on waiting lists like Mia had and get nothing. I would not waste years. Mia had taught us everything we needed to know.  Jack was diagnosed in the May and would start in the pre school in September. I had so many doubts as Mia didn't attend a 'special' pre school but having worked in said school  I knew it was the right place for him. I swallowed any heartbreak I had over Jacks diagnosis and spent all summer trying to teach him to speak properly, he did speak but a lot of the time we

I haven't really had time to sit and write for such a long time. It has been such a busy two years filled with emotions, big changes and really new beginnings. This last two years has been the time where i learnt the most about my children and their conditions and also people and their perceptions.  It has been the year to really teach me about myself and who I am as a person . When I think back about this last two years I wonder how we have managed to get through some of it in one piece. I rarely take time to sit and think about all that has gone on in our life. I think I purposely tend to take things one day at a time because that is my survivor mode. That is the mode I set for myself all those years ago when Mia was diagnosed. 9 years ago. 9 long years in some ways and 9 extremely quick years in other ways. At the start of every school year emotions are high in our house. We never know what way Mia or her sister and brother for that fact will take to the new teachers, back to sc