Its all change for Jack and for me

Ever since Jack was diagnosed with Autism we have put everything we have into helping him. When he was diagnosed we did just as we did  with Mia and Ava we cried, felt sorry for ourselves for a whole 24 hours and then got on with getting him the help he needed.  We could not go in to denial Jack had to come first. My first priority for Jack was to get him speaking and into an autism unit pre school because I knew that way he would get all the early intervention straight away instead of sitting on waiting lists like Mia had and get nothing. I would not waste years. Mia had taught us everything we needed to know.  Jack was diagnosed in the May and would start in the pre school in September. I had so many doubts as Mia didn't attend a 'special' pre school but having worked in said school  I knew it was the right place for him. I swallowed any heartbreak I had over Jacks diagnosis and spent all summer trying to teach him to speak properly, he did speak but a lot of the time we couldn't understand what he would say. I got flash cards, I made up visual schedules to show him all his daytime routine pictures of  a bedtime routine, morning routine, what we did when we went shoppping, When we visited people. I even carried them around in my bag and would show him them before we went into peoples house to try teach him social skills, because each time some new 'autism trait' appeared I would get a flash back of Mia and remember how hard it must have been for her and I never want Jack to have to struggle like Mia is. I remember Mia never wanting to visit peoples houses she would not even go in hence the cards for Jack. My secret handbag. I don't think anyone knew what was in that bag lol!. They really worked for him. Noise was and still is a huge issue. He was terrified of dryers, music, enclosed spaces, supermarkets. When I look back I Wonder how we got through that first summer as I was home schooling Mia and Ava had been diagnosed with ADHD as well, it was a tough year. A tough summer. We would go to bed at night exhausted and in the silence of the night it was only then I would allow my fears to come out and I would cry and think how will we cope? Then the morning would come and each day or each week Jack would reach a milestone or just show me a glimpse into his world and my fears would disappear and would be replaced with joy. The hardest part of them early days was Jack never showing affection or always crying yet clinging to me. The only time he would be settled was in his own world on his Ipad happy in his room. He felt safe there. and I would sit with him holding his hand so happy to have that bonding time. I would sit there for ages and stroke his hand delighted to have that affection. You never pressure a child with autism for a hug or a kiss or grab at them. physical touch can actually hurt them. Anyone that knows me always sees me ask my children first 'can I have a kiss or a hug'. I never just go to kiss them or hug them . I RESPECT their space.

If Jack says yes I always say Head or Lips? As only now at the age of nearly 5 is my son kissing me on the lips and hugging me and its the best feeling. He has only started to do that in recent months. Patience Patience Patience is what my children have taught me!  Just last week I arrived to pick Jack up from school I had been to a funeral and was feeling sad but plastered a smile on my face as us mums do for our kids we never show our sad faces, Jack usually sits at his table when I arrive and chats but that day for the first time EVER my son ran into my arms and hugged me. a long hug, a hug so tight that it took my breath away and had tears sting my eyes. It was like he knew I so needed that hug. That moment alone was so worth all the work, the tears, the fear over the last two years. It was everything. He hasn't hugged me since. I've asked fora  hug and he says 'no, but a kiss on the head' and that is everything to because he is learning affection to us as his family. 

He hugs his daddy every night when Dan asks and that melts my heart. They have developed a close bond and like me my husband has put the work in for that bond. he has learned Jacks world just like I have, his sisters are his protectors. He could not ask for better cheerleaders. They never ever say a word about autism. They know Jack has autism, and yet if Jack is having a meltdown, or stimming, or constantly repeating himself they don't bat an eye lid because to them he is just Jack, their brother who they spoil rotten, include him in all their games and have taught him all his social skills. Ava is his second mother and has so much patience with him that my heart bursts with pride that she is our daughter. They probably don't say it because we accept it.  Jacks preshool have just done so much for him. His teacher and SNA have just brought him on so much. His social skills are brilliant, his speech has come on so much to the point were he never stops talking!ever! lol! He will keep up speech therapy and he did a lot of occupational therapy. When you have people who believe in your child as much as you do and your all putting the work in it makes it so much easier to cope with.  Jack is now going on to Junior Infants and that was my dream for him and I was not taking no for an answer, He was going there. Two years ago I sat with the liason nurse and told her I would get him there. 

All this year I have been able to drop Jack to pre school and not worry for them 4 hours as I knew he was in  a class of 6 students with 2 SNAs the best teacher and all the resources he needed. Now I find myself feeling that fear again I felt on Mia. Its very much like living in a time worp. He is going into a class of 22 with no visual schedule, 1 shared SNA and I have no idea about resources and a giant playground full of noise and about 70 kids. It gives me anxiety just typing it. Living with Jack and Mia is like living with a younger Mia and the older Mia at times. I look at Jack and I feel I am starting all over again with schools, battling for his basic rights, and all that comes with it, will his new friends accept him? will he be left out like Mia was? no party invites? Standing at the school gates isolated because your child is different so you as a parent are different. Then there is Mia who is happy in school yet academically so struggling and we don't know what is coming and she has friends finally after years of heartache. 

Its a very emotional, hard going condition to live with on all of my family not just my children. Yet it has made me the person I am today. It has turned me into a mother  I never thought I could become. ( all be it an overwhelmed, tired emotional one haha but we all are right? whether we have 'normal' or special needs kids.) Thats motherhood no point acting like its perfect its not! We are all trying to keep it together!

The last two years have been some Journey with Jack and when he has his final day on Friday I will be so proud of him. He is the most funniest, hansom brave, determined little boy ever and I am blessed to be his mother.