Coach - 15 years on
On Saturday it will be 15years since our dad went to work and never came home again. the 19th of May is the exact date our whole world came crashing down around us. Its a date I dread. 15 years is such a long time and yet in so many ways that day feels like yesterday. When you loose someone so close to you it changes you as a person. You never stay the same. Grief changes everything about you, your life, the people around you. You build a new world. It takes years to build that new world. Ask my husband and he will tell you it is only now that I can finally start to speak about my memories with my dad. If I do speak it will only be a for a short while and I might shut off again it is so painful. His death has had such a profound affect on me. More of an affect than I knew. I was so busy in the early years of his death that I didn't allow myself to grieve properly. It was far to painful and to sad. I cried and hurt so much that I ran from it. When I started to have my own family it gave me something to focus on and pour my love into. It also showed me how much my dad must have loved me if I love my kids this much.
When you become a parent its only then you realise how much your parents have loved and adored you. You take everything for granted as a kid. You have an innocence about the world. Your protected from the bad stuff. My dad was my protector. He always had my back. I went to him for everything when I was little.
My absolute favourite memory of my dad was our walks. We would go walking and he would tell me lots of stories about his childood or just stuff he had done and there was always a little life lesson at the end of it. I remember every single one. I think of those walks every single day 15 years on. When we would go to courtown on our holidays he would always buy me a bag of bonbons at the end of every night. I would always give him one. The thing is I never thought much of those things till he was gone. I took them for granted. To me he was always gonna be there, he was gonna walk me down the aisle, be the best grandad to my kids one day, go travelling with my mam. That was just what life was about.
When you loose a parent your life is torn to shreds. You watch your mam loose the love of her life and you loose your dad and you learn very harshly you control nothing. You don't get the plans you want. There is no set time. Loosing dad has brought us so close now because we know the value of life. We know the value of family. The value of time is priceless. Material things mean nothing to me. All I want in the entire world is time with my family. I made a rule very early on with Daniel that family is first, work is second. I want our children to soak up every single second with him. I want every second I can have with him because I know how precious time is. I adore just time with family I want to make as many memories as possible with them. Thats all that matters.
If you have lost a loved one you will know why I am like that. It is both a gift and a curse. Its a gift that you know to seize every day and you know what matters.what truly matters. It is a curse because grief causes you pain and anxiety like no other. You worry constantly about your family. We only recently spoke about the day dad died and it really hit my heart at how traumatic that day was. That day has ruled how I live everyday of my life now. When my husband goes to work I pray to god so hard not to take him from me. I pray to keep him safe. At night when I close my eyes I always think will he be ok when I wake up and the same for my kids and thats 15years on. no amount of therapy or talking can change that trauma.
I tell my kids at least 5 times a day I love them, I tuck them in every single night( even though Mia is 13 now lol) and I tell them how proud I am of them. In my head I tell my dad to watch over them. I try to do my best with my children because I want them to remember how much I love them and how much I fought for them. I know how cruel of a world they are growing up in and they need as much kindess as they can get.
I take nothing for granted now and I don't stress about things I can't control. I worry about my children and my family. That's it. I am thankful for everyday with them. I treasure my memories like they are gold.
I talk to my dad everyday in my head in the car mostly. I have his picture in my car. I picture him as the best grandad and I know how involved he would have been just like my mam is. My kids know so much about 'grandad coach'. We take picnics at his bench, we tell stories, everything. I wish he was here for my mam. Life is so cruel. If you wanted the definiton of true love it was my mam and dad. dads death has taught me to love fiercely because tomorrow is not promised.
Coach was loved by so many people. He is remembered by so many people and I love to hear people talk about him and all his stories. Loosing him has taught me so much but that was Coach all over always teaching me something.
I miss you dad.
xx
When you become a parent its only then you realise how much your parents have loved and adored you. You take everything for granted as a kid. You have an innocence about the world. Your protected from the bad stuff. My dad was my protector. He always had my back. I went to him for everything when I was little.
My absolute favourite memory of my dad was our walks. We would go walking and he would tell me lots of stories about his childood or just stuff he had done and there was always a little life lesson at the end of it. I remember every single one. I think of those walks every single day 15 years on. When we would go to courtown on our holidays he would always buy me a bag of bonbons at the end of every night. I would always give him one. The thing is I never thought much of those things till he was gone. I took them for granted. To me he was always gonna be there, he was gonna walk me down the aisle, be the best grandad to my kids one day, go travelling with my mam. That was just what life was about.
When you loose a parent your life is torn to shreds. You watch your mam loose the love of her life and you loose your dad and you learn very harshly you control nothing. You don't get the plans you want. There is no set time. Loosing dad has brought us so close now because we know the value of life. We know the value of family. The value of time is priceless. Material things mean nothing to me. All I want in the entire world is time with my family. I made a rule very early on with Daniel that family is first, work is second. I want our children to soak up every single second with him. I want every second I can have with him because I know how precious time is. I adore just time with family I want to make as many memories as possible with them. Thats all that matters.
If you have lost a loved one you will know why I am like that. It is both a gift and a curse. Its a gift that you know to seize every day and you know what matters.what truly matters. It is a curse because grief causes you pain and anxiety like no other. You worry constantly about your family. We only recently spoke about the day dad died and it really hit my heart at how traumatic that day was. That day has ruled how I live everyday of my life now. When my husband goes to work I pray to god so hard not to take him from me. I pray to keep him safe. At night when I close my eyes I always think will he be ok when I wake up and the same for my kids and thats 15years on. no amount of therapy or talking can change that trauma.
I tell my kids at least 5 times a day I love them, I tuck them in every single night( even though Mia is 13 now lol) and I tell them how proud I am of them. In my head I tell my dad to watch over them. I try to do my best with my children because I want them to remember how much I love them and how much I fought for them. I know how cruel of a world they are growing up in and they need as much kindess as they can get.
I take nothing for granted now and I don't stress about things I can't control. I worry about my children and my family. That's it. I am thankful for everyday with them. I treasure my memories like they are gold.
I talk to my dad everyday in my head in the car mostly. I have his picture in my car. I picture him as the best grandad and I know how involved he would have been just like my mam is. My kids know so much about 'grandad coach'. We take picnics at his bench, we tell stories, everything. I wish he was here for my mam. Life is so cruel. If you wanted the definiton of true love it was my mam and dad. dads death has taught me to love fiercely because tomorrow is not promised.
Coach was loved by so many people. He is remembered by so many people and I love to hear people talk about him and all his stories. Loosing him has taught me so much but that was Coach all over always teaching me something.
I miss you dad.
xx
Comments
Post a Comment